Nurturing and Releasing Options
by
Crystal
When a
marriage encounters issues you have three options. You can
work to improve things,
accept things as they are and stay in dis-ease, or choose to leave.
The
whole purpose of this site is to support people as they work to find more
fulfillment in their lives and/or marriages so that leaves only two choices in
which to focus. They are the:
1.
Nurturing Option
2.
Releasing Option
The
first, the Nurturing
option, is choosing to stay committed to the marriage and work to bring it back
to a healthy state of happiness and fulfillment.
The
second, the
Releasing
option, is executed when there does not seem to be hope for the boundaries of
both parties to be met and a parting of ways is the best solution for both sides
to find happiness again.
In order to try to explain these two options with some
clarity, we offer
up the following worst case scenarios:
Jack and Jill were married.
One day, Jack does the unbelievable. He encounters someone who triggers an
emotion in him. Things get out of hand and he has an affair.
Eventually Jill finds out and their entire world is shattered to say the least.
At first they both feel like they're living outside of reality. Almost like
they're experiencing life from a 3rd person point of view.
With time Jill comes to see that Jack didn’t do it to “intentionally” hurt
anyone. Something triggered an action in him that even he couldn’t explain. Jill
also came to understand that if Jack had felt more fulfilled before the
encounter, he would not have been tempted. She saw that she was not responsible
for the affair at all. But she also saw that she did play a role that added to
the discontentment in Jack’s marriage.
Jill came to see that, yes, Jack had made a horrible mistake but she still loved
him. Even though she “accepted him” as being someone who had made some very
hurtful mistakes she realized that her boundaries needed to be respected.
Unfortunately, Jack continued to show signs of being distant and tense. Jill
sees this and starts to worry and get stressed herself that Jack might stray
again. So she "actively" makes differences in order to try to correct the
problem. She does not just ignore the issues. Nor does she just “bite her
tongue” around him because she knows that neglecting things will not alleviate
any stress or pressure for either of them. She finds resources for both of them
to help deal with their issues. She also learns how and “actively” engages in,
helping them both feel more fully loved and accepted.
(Nurturing
Option)
Unfortunately Jack continues to not show interest in changing and over time,
Jill sees that things are not improving. He’s still acting in ways that are not
respecting her boundaries. She makes her concerns clear to him, in very loving
ways, and lets him know that she accepts that this is who he is and still loves
him but she is unable to live "happily" herself under these circumstances. In
fact living like this is crushing her. She makes it clear that she loves him as
much as ever and would give anything for things to be different but they aren’t.
So if he chooses to continue to act in ways that hurt her then she must leave.
She’s clear both with herself and with him that her actions are
self-preservation and NOT an attempt to manipulate him to do anything. She
realizes that when she takes this step it might cause him to ‘bottom out’ and
finally have the strength to change but it is just as possible that he won't. At
this point she is fully prepared for the possibility of him moving on without
her. And as a result, she is also prepared to move on without him even though
she will always love him. (Releasing
Option)
When the Nurturing option is executed, using unconditional
love as a basis, it is very often successful at recovering the marriage and many
times brings more fulfillment than ever before.
When the Releasing option is executed, using unconditional
love as a basis, it brings a peace of mind that it is the best choice for all
involved and that brings a feeling of contentment.
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