Chapters 1-Inner Child & 2-Short Version
Chapter 1 - Forgiving ourselves and Healing the Inner Child
I am grateful to Edith
Stauffer for much of this section, drawn from her book "Unconditional Love and
Forgiveness". I strongly urge you to obtain this book, and you can find the
contact address in the References and Further
Resources
These questions can be
answered on many levels. The answers can be applied in many different
situations. "Clear seeing" is often needed to unearth these and bring them to
light, because it is not always obvious to our usual way of "seeing". The
results are well worth the effort.
First confusion which prevents
clear seeing
"Bad actions are done by
Bad People" rather than: "That person's needs are not being met, or were not met
in childhood. They are showing their pain, their fear, and their need for love,
by that behavior".
When we do something we
think is "wrong" or "bad", we think we are bad. We confuse the doer with the
action. Psychosynthesis principles clearly separate out the doer from the
behavior. It is possible to disagree with the actions of a person and still
continue to love him/her without seeing him/her as "a bad person".
People can be seen as
capable of not only the behavior that may currently disturb us, but also of kind
loving actions in different circumstances.
Second confusion
"I am bad and unworthy."
rather than "I am capable of being a loving, kind, happy, joyous etc., person".
A poor perception of
oneself is an illusion, caused by temporarily inhibiting perception of the good
in oneself. (i.e. omitting to use Khooba with respect to oneself). This poor
self-image then acts as a filter which distorts all information coming to us
about ourselves or others, and we become controlled in nearly all our actions by
the illusions which arise from this.
Sometimes we are more
kind and forgiving to a stranger, or a pet animal, than we are to ourselves.
When this is true, it is an indication that we have work to do with regard to
our self-image.
With a wiser perspective
we can see ourselves more completely, and know that we have a lower unconscious
which contains all of our history and skills learned to date, and we also have a
higher unconscious which has stored all our latent talents and capacities: the
resources and design of the higher Self for what we can yet become. The
treasures from both these "storehouses" can be brought in to enrich our lives,
and psychosynthesis has methods for doing this.
Third confusion
"Sin must be punished",
rather than "Mistakes are for joyously learning from, for they are the stepping
stones to Wisdom".
In ancient times the word
which became our word "sin", simply meant "missing the mark" as an archer, and
the implication was that the reason for being off target would be determined, a
new aim was to be taken, and the process simply repeated, getting closer and
closer to the desired goal each time.
In our Western culture's
view, "sin" has acquired different connotations, which have slipped into the
mass consciousness and continue to dominate our thinking below the level of
awareness. To "make a mistake", to be "wrong", to "fail", to "sin", etc., have
all become occasions for recrimination or punishment, guilt or self-denigration.
The total collective harm
caused by this is incalculable.....
People can end up
thinking there is no good in them, and they feel ruined for this life, if not
also for the next one.... The incidents are gone over in the mind and get out of
proportion. The guilt demands punishment, - or so we reason.
The "punishment" may be
in the following forms:-
1. Depriving ourselves of adventures and
privileges we rightfully enjoy. Holding back our own growth
2. Depriving ourselves of relationships which
could enhance our lives.
3. Depressing ourselves, or inhibiting our
natural courage or other qualities.
4. Telling ourselves we have no right to live and
wishing to die. Feeling we don't deserve.....health....life....happiness etc.
5. Developing an illness, physical , emotional,
or mental.
6. Taking back a forgiveness we have done and
starting to hurt ourselves again about what happened.
Sometimes we repressed
the memory of our experiences of "missing the mark" without healing them. It may
not have been the way we would have chosen to handle the problem if we had known
a better way, but we really had not yet been trained in the skills of
forgiveness, so we knew no other way. Hiding the memory by "forgetting" it may
have been the only way we knew how to survive (the pain, or literally,
physically).
Repression of these
memories without healing them can lead to their effects continuing on in our
lower unconscious instead of in our conscious minds. The same punishment goes
on, but in unconsciousness. What happens then is that we tend to project the
"punisher" out onto our environment, and "see" it there. It is "them out there"
who hold us back and prevent us getting what we need. It is their fault.
This situation can
persist for a long time, insidiously altering our bodies, feelings, thoughts,
beliefs, behavior, relationships, - in short, the whole texture of our lives.
One day, we may have an
accident, or get symptoms, go to a doctor, have tests, and learn that we are
suffering from a disease. This comes as a surprise! We have taken exercise,
vitamins, healthy food, been "good", and not hurt anyone (only ourselves). We
can even take this as further "proof" that Life is unfair.
RE-CHOOSING
When we allow ourselves
to become conscious of these confusions, or errors in our perceptions, then we
have a choice once more about doing something about it. Sometimes illness is a
valuable clue that we need to examine our inner world and make adjustments. Then
we can be grateful for the illness. What a paradox......the illness that was
first perceived as an "enemy" to be got rid of, sometimes becomes in reality a
friend, a teacher, a guide, leading us back to the course in life preferred by
our highest consciousness, our Higher Self.
Once we are conscious of
our error(s), we need only regret the wrong long enough to decide to learn the
lesson which the mistake can teach us.
The next step is to allow
healing of our stress to come from the Higher Self, which is the origin of
health and healing within us. When we hold ourselves open to the transpersonal
attitude of unconditional love and forgiveness, the Higher Self can and does
pour its healing energies into our bodies, emotions, and minds. All healing
comes from within ultimately, - without this miracle no doctor or surgeon would
ever make a living...
We do NOT have to stay in
the punishing or lamenting space into which the confusions and misperceptions
outlined above have led us.
We can learn from our
experience, see our role in the situation in wiser and more compassionate
perspective, and use our Will to discontinue unproductive perceptions,
decisions, and behaviors. We can allow the natural healing energy of the Higher
Self to restore us to perfect balance once again.
The Higher Self knows
everything we have done, thought, or said. Psychosynthesis has unique processes
for stimulating the will and for the wise use of material from our lower
unconscious, where our history is recorded, and from our higher unconscious,
where our potential resides. It (the Higher Self) also knows our true purpose
for living. Since the will-to-live is well-known to be the number-one factor in
recovery from serious illness, it is important that the person addresses the
questions: "Do I have unfulfilled purposes?", "Am I willing to find a new
purpose for living?", "For what do I will to live?"
A person who has become
ill may not be fully involved in serving the needs of others. Their work may be
of serving others, but they may not have their will totally involved in the
serving process. Or because their work does not involve their unique talents and
abilities, they may be going through the outer motions of serving without being
"heart and soul" involved in it. Resentment can creep in, sapping essential
vitality...
FORGIVING OURSELVES, BOTH
AS ADULTS AND AS CHILDREN CONTRIBUTES TO THE HEALING PROCESS AND TO HEALTH
MAINTENANCE.
NOT FORGIVING IS TO
CONTINUE THE ABUSE OF THE INNER CHILD WITHIN US. THE CHILD NEEDS YOU TO SET LOVE
FREE TO FLOW AGAIN. NOT FORGIVING OURSELVES, OR TAKING BACK FORGIVENESS AFTER IT
HAS BEEN DONE , CAN HELP TO SET THE SCENE FOR DISEASE OR IMPAIRED HEALING.
Getting the information:
The "part of the mind
that knows all about the person" can be asked to take them back to the
incident(s) which "caused" the disease. This is not a thinking process using the
intellect. It is allowing that part of us that is above the mental level to be
in charge of the process. It is surprising how often the mind will locate
precisely the incident(s), GIVEN AN APPROPRIATE, LOVING ATMOSPHERE, AND ENOUGH
TIME.
Or, the Self can lovingly
invite forth an image which represents the disease, or the part of them which is
responsible for the disease. Using a special gestalt technique of then
'becoming' that part or image, they can address the Self, say what the unmet
needs are, and 'show' the Self on an imaginary video screen all the incidents
which have contributed to the disease. (This is part of a process called
"Embracing Disease as Teacher" from Vivian King.)
Almost without exception,
the incidents reported are those where one feels guilt for what one has done or
allowed others to do, or where one is holding hate or resentment against oneself
or another person or persons.
Often, as one follows the
thread of incidents "shown" in this way backwards through the person's life, it
leads to a particularly significant incident as a child.
As a child, one usually
had no choice or no power to prevent what happened. In such situations, the
child nevertheless often blames him/herself for what others did. The child may
"swallow" the false guilt that s/he could not prevent the incident(s), and the
associated anger, fear, grief, outrage etc. The sense of outrage may lead to
hopes or thoughts of harm to the perpetrator, but there is also guilt about
harboring such thoughts.
For example, a child is
molested by a relative living in the home. The child knows it is not right, but
feels caught in the situation. Never telling anyone, keeping the dark secret,
the sense of guilt may be held, even repressed out of awareness, for thirty or
forty years. The damage continues, however, at unconscious levels. The
underlying negative emotion, the false guilt, affects every level of the
person's existence.
Often when children feel
this bad, they may have wished to die (as adults can also).
Sometimes their lives are
at risk if they tell anyone. They may become obsessed with the thought of dying.
Death may appear to them better than what they are experiencing. They may even
feel that they should die for what happened, believing themselves to be "bad" -
or how could such things have happened to them?
Feeling that the love of
the parents will be lost if they were to find out what has been happening, they
can also come to feel unworthy of love.
Such a deep unconscious
wish to die, with images of dying, and/or feeling that one should not have been
born, can often be found in persons suffering severe and life-threatening
illness...
In re-viewing this
incident which "caused" the disease, from the position of the Self, the person
will often now see the incident in a different light. They can see how helpless
they were at the time it happened, and that they had no responsibility for what
happened.
In creative imagination,
they can "move into" the scene with all the wisdom, strength, and love of the
Higher Self, to heal the child in them. They can say to the child-they-were
exactly what they needed to hear as that child, and act out the loving hug or
gesture that would have been what the child needed then. The child can be told
that they are loved just as they were then.
The Self can then create
in the imagination a day for the Inner Child which exactly fulfills the needs
that were unmet then.
The Healed Inner Child is
then returned to the scene with all the resources thus given, and the scene
recreated exactly how they would have preferred. With this fundamental new
energy in their psyche, all the other incidents which followed can be
"re-scripted" with satisfactory outcomes.
Now, in the memory bank,
are stored more balanced energies from which the person can draw in future.
The life-review that this
process leads forth, also shows all the incidents where the person is holding
hate or resentment of others. The next step is to use the Forgiveness of Others
Process to forgive the menacing adult(s) and others who molested , injured, or
offended them.
There may be associated
or unrelated incidents where the person realizes that they did not live up to
their own expectations of themselves, and the Self-Forgiveness of the
Personality Process will be used.
Sometimes, when sore
pressed, a person can create an illness or death wish upon someone who has
harmed them. But this goes against the will of the Deep Self, and creates a deep
inner conflict or tension, that can only be resolved by the process of
self-forgiveness.
Sometimes the person is
also still very angry at Life, or "God" (their image of "God"), and "Forgiving
Life, or God" (using the Forgiveness of Others Process) , and then oneself for
hating "God", (!), is needed to fully restore the flow of life and love
energies. It can be very enlightening for one who feels this, to role-play "God"
and speak to themselves from God's perspective, as they engage in a gestalt
psychodrama between themselves and "God", as a lead-in to their forgiveness of
"God".
Completing these
processes can produce very great relief, - and fundamental changes in the way a
person is in the world, and in their ability to self-heal. The full potential of
these approaches has not yet been fully explored, and research is needed to
document the many ways people apply these principles to each individual's
life-situations.
A guide (therapist) with
experience in these methods can greatly assist a person through this phase of
self-healing and may be needed in case of difficulty, until the skills are
second nature.
Ideas for the way of
healing of the Inner Child used in the forgiveness process were originally
stimulated for me by Dr. Milton Ericson. Healing the Inner Child work has also
been taken extensively up by John Bradshaw in his books and workshops.
This was the original
exercise created by Edith Stauffer. It is a very good introduction to the
process of self-forgiveness. I found that at times more detail was needed by
some people and the longer and more detailed version given elsewhere on this
Web-Site evolved.
1. Start sitting on a
chair, on the floor or kneeling. Quiet yourself, be aware of your breathing.
Then reach up in consciousness and ask the Higher Self to forgive you
for...(whatever you seek forgiveness for)...........
(Initially it can be wise
to start with only ONE thing until you get used to the process),
2. Next stand up, and
with the eyes closed imagine yourself as the Higher Self looking down on your
personal self. As the Higher Self identify with compassion - unconditional love
- understanding - patience - feel these qualities as the Higher Self, and send
these qualities to the personal self.
3. Speak to the personal
self, assuring him or her you do forgive what they have asked forgiveness for.
4. The personal self
waits to see if the Higher Self wishes to say more to the personal self.
5. When the Higher Self
has finished speaking to the personal self, the forgiver returns to the first
position and spends time receiving and absorbing the forgiveness and love.
The above exercise can be used for
one person. Edith Stauffer describes how it can also be used with 20-50 people
at once in a room large enough for each to feel some privacy.
The facilitator has each
person list ONE thing they want to be forgiven for.
The facilitator
demonstrates the steps in self-forgiveness using another person, or him or
herself.
The facilitator gives the
directions to the whole group at the same time. Each person finds a place where
they can hear the directions. Usually facing a wall is best. This gives more
privacy (as it is helpful to whisper or make a low sound, rather than thinking
the words in one's own head only).
The facilitator goes
through the directions as above, giving plenty of time for each step. The
facilitator can ask "If you need more time please raise your hand. When you are
complete, lower it." Those needing more time can be given it until all the group
is ready to go on. The facilitator thus ensures that all have completed each
step before moving on to the next.
Discuss the process. Were
they able to experience the forgiveness to completion? If some have difficulty,
let the group share in the discussion of what happened and how it might be
overcome.
If time affords they
could go out of the room and go through the experience on their own, say being
given 30 minutes to do that. They are to return to the main room to discuss
their experiences after that time.
If you need greater depth
and detail, use the longer version:
