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Chapters 1 - 2 & 3
This can be answered in several ways. One way
is to become aware of the value of love and experiences of love, in contrast to
experiences of lack of love, both personally and on a global level. Then we can
decide - do we want more love in our lives or not?
Another way is to observe the effects of
un-forgiveness and forgiveness upon the health of the human body. This will be
illustrated by a short story and article on this subject. Then we can decide -
do we want more health in our lives or not?
It is usually good to start with your own
experience. The following activity can help you to review your own experiences
of love and bring it into greater awareness for you. Set aside enough time to
explore the following inner experience. Read the description of the activity
through and then take your time to go through it again slowly and as deeply as
you can.
First of all, cast your mind back to a time
when you felt unconditionally loved, or if you have never been unconditionally
loved, to an experience you can recall when you felt you were more loved than at
any other time in your life. Remember where you were, what you were wearing, who
it was who loved you, and what happened. (Even if you experienced the loss of
this love later, focus for this period of time on the actual experience of being
loved, and deliberately set aside any experiences which may have detracted from
it later). Find out how much of this love you can recall and even re-experience
now. Re-experience being with this person. How do you feel as you do that? Enter
again the physical and emotional feelings and thoughts you had at that time.
What was it like for you to be loved like
that? What are some of the qualities of this person? Are any of them qualities
you would like to emulate in your own life? How does it feel to know that this
person already shared that quality with you, and that your memories of this
person can help you to increase that quality in your own character? Perhaps you
can find a symbol for this quality?
Write about your experience of the activity
you have just done, any decisions you may have made, and sketch the symbol if
you found one.
Share this experience with two other people
and if you like, invite them to do it too and to share their experience.
(Some people have no memories of being loved,
and I want to acknowledge them. If you are one please imagine what such an
experience could be like for you, as fully as you can.)
Now cast your mind back and recall a time when
you yourself showed unconditional love to another person or persons. Remember
where you were, what you were wearing, who it was you showed this love to, and
what happened. (Even if you experienced the loss of this love later, focus for
this period of time on the actual experience of being unconditionally loving,
and deliberately set aside any experiences which may have detracted from it
later). Find out how much of this love you can recall and even re-experience
now. Re-experience being there with this person or persons and loving them. How
do you feel as you do that? Enter again the physical and emotional feelings and
thoughts you had at that time.
What was it like for you to give love like
that? What are some of the qualities you showed as you did it? Are any of them
qualities you would like to strengthen further in your own life now? How does it
feel to know that this person already helped you to develop and express that
quality which was within you, and that your memories of this person and occasion
can help you to further increase that quality in your own character? Perhaps you
can find a symbol for this quality?
Write about your experience of the activity
you have just done, any decisions you may have made, and sketch the symbol if
you found one.
Share this experience with two other people
and invite them to do it too and to share their experience.
This can be a very challenging exercise. Are
we willing to let ourselves become aware of all the pain caused by lack of love,
at least for a brief moment? The reason to do this is to help us to focus our
minds and wills upon the importance of increasing the love-flow in the world.
This can motivate us to want to learn about the process of forgiveness, to heal
this. Make sure you are prepared to make enough time to do this activity
thoroughly.
Think for a moment of areas of the world where
you are aware there is lack of love, where instead of love there is resentment,
hate, envy, jealousy, fear, grief, guilt, false guilt....
You could also explore this in a purely
personal way at first. What have been the effects of resentment, lack of love
and lack of forgiveness in your own life? In the lives of people you know?
Is it easier for you to do this for places
further away, or for you own self and close associates?
Let images come to you for the following: What
have been the effects of hatred, of lack of love and forgiveness on the history
of the world in this century alone? In previous centuries? In your own land? In
other lands? What kind of harm has been the outcome? How has this hate and
resentment polluted the emotional atmosphere of this planet? Most of us are now
increasingly aware of the physical pollution of the Earth. If you could find a
symbol for the emotional pollution of the Earth - what would that be like? What
is the future if it continues unchanged, for 10, 25, 50, 100, 500 years? Or
longer?
Allow yourself to become aware of the vast
cost of this emotional pollution, which pervades the "atmosphere" in which we
live like a big dark poisonous cloud. What would it look like if it was
collected together in one place? How big a pile would it make?
Imagine the amount of tablets and medicines
which is produced and consumed daily throughout the world in an attempt to limit
the damage done to human bodies by the illnesses that are related to or
aggravated by blocked love. Imagine all the medicines for blocking the effects
of adrenaline, muscle tension, depression, anxiety, fears, chronic pain, bad
digestion, constricted circulation, allergies, and more. What would that all
look like if it was gathered together in one place for everyone to see? How big
would the pile be? How much does it cost, and not only in economic terms?
Imagine the amount of alcohol, tobacco, other
drugs, and unnecessary food that is consumed daily to numb the pain of unhealed
resentments. What would that look like if it was gathered together in one place
for everyone to see?
Imagine all the violence, accidents and crime
that happen in part at least because there was not enough love. What is the cost
of that, and not only in economic terms?
What else could be done with all that money -
how many children fed and educated?
What are your own thoughts and feelings as you
contemplate what your inner search has revealed to you? What have you learned
about yourself? What have your learned about others?
Write about your experience of the activity
you have just done, your feelings and thoughts, any decisions you may have made,
and sketch the symbol if you found one.
Share this experience with two other people
and invite them to do it too and to share their experience.
Return to your experience of Love in
Exercise1a. Compare with the experience of Blocked Love, in 1b. What thoughts,
feelings and decisions come to you?
What most needs to be done? What is your next
step?
I wonder if you can see the connections
between forgiveness and health in yourself or those around you? This composite
teaching story has helped others to understand this principle.
Tom and Gerry
Tom and Gerry were colleagues and very good
friends. Over many years, at work and socially, they enjoyed each other's
company and their compatibility showed itself in many creative projects. One or
two evenings a week the pair would get together, usually at Tom's home, to
continue sharing their ideas and ideals. The closeness of the two men created an
atmosphere that was enjoyed by their wives and families.
One extra dark night Gerry was backing his car
out of Tom's drive after a particularly enjoyable evening. He felt a bump and
got out to discover, to his horror, that he had run over the family cat Min.
As he looked at the lifeless form on the drive
memories of his friend's deep love for the animal raced through his mind. He
panicked. He felt sick. He knew how much Tom and his family loved Min. He
remembered Min curled up on the children's beds, or on Tom's lap as they
chatted. He was paralyzed with a strange cold fear and felt quite unable to go
in and tell Tom what had happened.
Robot-like, he put Min in the rubbish bag he
carried in his car and drove away. He passed a refuse bin and put the bag into
it with a cold sweating, shaky hand.
When he got home his wife, sensing he wasn't
his usual self, asked if something was wrong. "Nothing," he said quickly, but
did not give her his usual warm kiss of greeting. Instead he went to the toilet
and sat there, trying to overcome his nausea.
The next day at work, Tom told him that Min
had gone missing. "She has never done that before." he said as he wrote a "Lost
cat" advertisement for the newspaper. Gerry found himself saying, "I'm sure
she'll turn up soon. Don't worry about her." But he could not stop himself
looking away . He couldn't bear to see how upset his friend was.
Work did not go well that day. Both men were
distracted. The following week, when Gerry made his usual visit to Tom's house
he did not stay long. Their discussions were punctuated by glum, uneasy
silences. Their former creativity was already starting to fade away. Gerry felt
increasingly uncomfortable. When he arrived home early his wife asked him if
anything unusual had happened, and he said "Nothing, we just decided to finish
early."
In the lunchroom at work Gerry found himself
avoiding sitting with Tom.. Gradually their creative evenings became less
frequent. The quality of their design work began to fall off further. Each one
wondered what had happened to his friend but did not feel able to ask him after
the first tentative enquiries were brushed aside.
Gerry began to ruminate further about what had
happened that night. "It was really Tom's fault." he said to himself. "If he had
kept the cat in it would never have happened." He began to be irritated by Tom
at work and found fault with many things he did.
One day the managing director invited Gerry
into his office, mentioned that there was a new appointment to be made in the
company, and that he thought Tom would be very suitable. "What do you think,
Gerry?" he asked, "You have worked a lot with Tom and know his work. I would
value your opinion." Gerry found himself saying, "His work has not been so good
lately." The episode of Min's death did not even cross Gerry's mind at this
time. By now, he had repressed it. It was "forgotten". Tom was passed over for
the job.
Gerry began to get irritable with his wife.
Their relationship gradually went from bad to worse. There were arguments, over
trivial things. Each began to find fault with the other. Their sexual life
became tiresome. She began to wonder if he was having an affair. Each of them
sought solace, briefly, with other partners, but without joy. Gerry denied to
himself and others that there was anything wrong. Yet he was becoming depressed,
and he began to think from time to time that if life was like this, it was not
really worth living.
The stresses between Gerry and his wife began
to tell on their three children. One tended to take Gerry's side, the other two,
his wife's. The children reacted to the underlying tension in very different
ways. One became withdrawn and began to do less well at school. The second
become rebellious and got into minor trouble with the police. The third became
ill more often, and needed more frequent visits to the doctor.
Gerry began to get symptoms in his belly -
stomach pains. He went to his doctor. At first his tests showed nothing much,
and he was advised to rest. His colleagues recognized that he had been strained
recently, and agreed.
His wife did not enjoy having him "resting" at
home when it meant having a grumpy partner nagging at her. A holiday together
did little to improve things.
The symptoms persisted, and repeated tests
showed that Gerry had developed a stomach ulcer, possibly cancer. At last an
official medical diagnosis had been found, and Gerry felt some kind of relief
that he "had not been imagining it". The doctor had done several very thorough
physical examinations, and felt justly proud he had diagnosed Gerry's disease
before it got too advanced.
Surgery followed, then drug therapy. In all
the time that followed the medical reports began in the same kind of way: "This
man with cancer of the...."
Nowhere in his medical records were the
additional words that would describe his condition more completely: "This man
with blocked love........."
In due course Gerry began a search for
meaning, and further understanding of his illness. Among other things he came
across a book about forgiveness. As he read it he realized he not only harbored
in himself a physical disease, but emotional and mental negativity as well. He
could no longer deny the larger truth. He felt drawn to doing a self-forgiveness
process and sought out a guide to help him.
During the process it emerged that the first
time he had felt a sensation of panic and nausea had not been when he ran over
Min. It had been when he had owned up for doing something wrong at school. The
teacher had hit him and reported him to his father. Gerry had hated this teacher
for treating him so unfairly. His father had told him how sinful he was, beaten
him with a cane, and told him that he "would come to no good." From then on his
relationship with his father deteriorated. He came to fear and hate him too, and
to believe that he himself was indeed "guilty", that there was no good in him,
that one day he would indeed "come to no good", and be punished for it. He also
"learned" that it might be advisable to hide the truth at times. After his
father died, he experienced a period of depression, loss of creativity and low
self-esteem. When the tragedy with Min occurred, the negative feelings and
beliefs stored for so long in his unconscious mind were reactivated, but he had
not been aware of this .
Specialists could take care of his body, but
he realized to become fully healthy again he would need to heal his negative
emotions and belief systems.
Working through the forgiveness process helped
him acknowledge his blocked love and, bluntly, self hatred. His love was blocked
towards his friend Tom, his own self, his father and his childhood teacher.
Later, love had become blocked towards his wife and family. All this had
affected his work, relationships with his colleagues, his marriage, home life,
and diminished his creativity.
What is needed for Gerry here? Skilled medical
and surgical help - certainly. Is that enough?
Medical researchers are beginning to discover
how negative emotions reduce the body's resistance to disease through altering
the way the immune and autonomic nervous systems function.
Could Gerry also need:
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Relief from the burden of guilt and
self-hate?
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A change of heart and mind?
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A process of forgiveness?
Without being taught an oyster knows how to turn an irritating piece of grit
into a beautiful pearl, a treasure. The incidents in Gerry's story could be
thought of as "pieces of grit" lodged in his psyche. Any one of them could have
been turned into a "pearl" if Gerry had known how to restore the flow of love
and heal the relationship at the time the damage occurred. Alas, he did not know
how, for in his childhood there had been no one to teach him. His needs were not
met then and he had no role models for forgiveness.
In this crisis only he can be responsible for
re-establishing the love-flow. No one else can do for this for him. He will need
to learn how to do it. He will need forgiveness coaching.
Any process by which a person successfully
removes the conditions in themselves that block the flow of love can be called a
Forgiveness Process.
The purpose of such a process is to heal the
memories, the patterns of physical and emotional dysfunction, and the negative
belief systems that were conceived at times of disappointment, criticism, hurt,
abuse, loss, rejection, humiliation, abandonment and so on.... It is to set the
forgiver free to move on from the effects of these.
How many of us do not have some equivalent to
a "run-over-cat" story - residual bad feelings or negative beliefs we need to
heal?
The forgiveness process is not difficult to
learn or to do, but in the early stages it may need effort and persistence.
Later it becomes easy, and in fact a joy to do. It can become a natural skill.
(from an article developed over time and
published in various journals concerned with health)
Disappointment, criticism, hurt, abuse, loss,
rejection, humiliation, abandonment, guilt, false guilt (feeling bad about
yourself when you are in fact innocent - most often found in those who have
suffered abuse as children), hate, anger, or envy etc., profoundly affect the
way your body functions. The flow of love through you is at risk of becoming
blocked, and your health is at stake. It has been said: "One who hates another
(blocks love) digs two graves".
When love is blocked the following changes in your body
may occur:
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Your muscles may tighten, causing postural
imbalances or pain in neck, back and/or limbs.
-
Headaches may occur.
-
Muscle tension squeezes the joint surfaces
together decreasing blood flow, making it more difficult for the blood to
remove waste products from the cells and tissues. It reduces the supply of
oxygen and nutrients to the cells. Both these contribute to delayed or
inadequate tissue repair during sleep, impairing recovery from injury,
arthritis, etc.
-
Your teeth may clench, especially at night,
contributing to dental bills for problems with your teeth and jaw joints.
-
Injury through inattention, accident, or
violence is more likely.
-
The blood flow to your heart is constricted.
-
Your digestion is impaired.
-
Your breathing is restricted.
-
It is now being to be realized that your
immune system functions less well.
-
If you have a tendency to allergy, the level
at which the allergic response tends to trigger off can be reduced, so that
allergic symptoms occur more frequently.
-
You become more vulnerable to infections,
and perhaps cancer.
-
You feel bad, moody, irritable, and so on,
and your mind is less able to see its way through problems and difficulties.
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Making decision can become harder.
-
You may become depressed, - even suicidal.
-
Your creativity is reduced or even blocked.
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In these and other ways your "stress
reserves" are constantly draining away, like water from a leaky bucket.
The list goes on. Indeed, it becomes a list of
many of the conditions seen by doctors all over the world. And while
Unforgiveness may not be the sole cause of all of them, it is not unreasonable
to say that it increases vulnerability to them. It can "set the scene" for them
and delay, or even prevent recovery.
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The effects of Unforgiveness on
relationships can lead to:
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Stony silences
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The sweet "Yes, dear" which really means
"No! I cannot stand this!"
-
Rows
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Various sexual tensions and dysfunctions
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Verbal and non-verbal abuse between adults,
and from adults to children, including violence, sexual, educational,
spiritual and ritual abuse
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Decreased productivity in the workplace
-
Subtle sabotage of ourselves and others
-
Tension, bad atmosphere or "vibes" at home
or work
This list, too, could be extended, and
represents dis-ease in the body of a person, family, nation, or indeed, of
humanity itself.
An unforgiving person is not free. He or she
is controlled by unconscious forces, avoiding certain situations and
opportunities, imprisoned in his or her own negativity. One of my patients
described this graphically when he spoke of how he had "marinated in his own
toxicity" for fifteen years before discovering the forgiveness process.
For any person who does not know how to
forgive, there is no lasting peace. Relief and release are urgently needed.
Getting in touch with and releasing bad
feelings safely is certainly very important but more important is healing them
through a complete process of forgiveness, so they do not recur.
After studying and working with this
forgiveness process since 1980 I strongly believe it is false logic and unwise
therapy to delay applying the forgiveness process to past hurts and
disappointments. I have seen people forgive the "unforgivable" - terrible things
- rapidly and successfully when they understood the true nature of the process.
I have also seen people held back in emotional pain and negativity far longer
than they needed to because someone - often a therapist I regret to say - told
them that they were not "ready" to forgive yet or even actively discouraged them
from doing so. To not forgive is to continue to allow the memories of the
hurtful incidents to your Inner Child, or the Earlier You, to be recycled over
and over again. This can happen either consciously, or more dangerously,
unconsciously, blocking love and draining energy. You and your Inner Child need
the love to flow again. The question is not whether it should be done, but how
to find a way to accomplish it as quickly as possible.
Another source of sabotage to the process can be
un-forgiveness to yourself which may show itself in:
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Depression
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Low self-esteem
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Depriving yourself (and others) of the good
opportunities that life offers
-
Punishing yourself by remaining stuck in
activities or relationships that harm you, and doing little or nothing about
it
-
Illness
-
Accidents
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Addictions
-
Holding on to the state of Unforgiveness and
doing nothing about it.
The common denominator is a blockage of the
flow of love which in turn is reflected in a drop in life energy. There is a
close connection between the flow of life energy and the flow of love.
Negative, critical thoughts about ourselves
and others affect us much more deeply than many of us are willing to recognize.
The word "negative" implies "subtraction". When we are negative, we have
subtracted from ourselves the love and life force that is potentially there for
all. We delay or even completely prevent healing in our body, emotions, mind and
relationships.
If any of this is happening to you or someone
you know, it has to be acknowledged before anything can be done about it. To
deny it is to prevent the possibility of healing. If underneath your physical
condition or any bad relationships (in family or marriage, at school, or in the
industrial, commercial, political arenas) there is blocked love, then no matter
how you treat the effects, the condition may:
-
Fail to heal,
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Relapse after temporary improvement, or
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Become a different symptom of the original
contributing cause.
We must learn to treat underlying contributory
causes. as well as more obvious surface symptoms. Imagine bubbles are coming to
the surface of some water from a gas pipe with a leaky hole in it below that
water. Trying to squash or catch or smash each bubble as it comes to the surface
will not stop the spread of dangerous gas. You have to go underneath and repair
the hole in the pipe, do you not?
Most of us have not been taught specifically
how to forgive. Because the process was not well enough understood we never
learned how to get from a state of Unforgiveness to a sate of unconditional
love.
Traditionally it was thought that teaching the
three "Rs" of Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rythmetic was enough preparation for life.
Now the skills of Right choice making (values clarification) and Right human
relationships are increasingly being recognized as essential. Like the 3 "R's"
the 4th and 5th "R's" don't happen by accident. They need to be taught, and the
forgiveness process is a natural part of this curriculum.
We all experience times of hurt or threat to
our security. A natural reaction to hurt or threat of hurt, derived from the
time of humanity's early existence in the jungles of pre-history, is the flow of
adrenaline to mobilize strength, either to fight or flee. In the jungle, and for
our ancestors, this was a healthy and useful response. Indeed we are descended
from those who developed the best stress responses along these lines. The whole
self was undivided in these circumstances - you either fought the attacking
animal whole-heartedly or you froze in your tracks whole-heartedly, or you ran
away whole heartedly. Fear and anger responses were whole-person survival
reactions. In such circumstances this is healthy anger and fear. If they serve
their purpose and are discharged in ways that could be called healthy and
functional, there is likely to be little "residue" left in the body. The dramas
of the hunt or battle could be talked about over the camp fires, and the
remaining emotion charge released.
Life became more complex with the passage of
time. Mind evolved and memory became longer. The ability to predict, to think
into the future developed. Short term pleasure/pain survival reactions began to
come into conflict with long term pleasure/pain goals, and even deeper ethical
values. Human beings were beginning to learn to suppress feelings.
In the circumstances of our modern society, we
can no longer simply act out all our angers and frustrations or we may end up in
court. Nor can we always safely discharge our fears - indeed we may be laughed
at or prematurely consoled, or told to snap out of it, by our peers if we share
our feelings, and thus not even talk about them.
There develops therefore a division in the
psyche. One part of me may want to take violent retributive action, another part
wants to suppress that feeling. One part of me wants to run away, another part
wants to be brave. This inner conflict leads to a loss of energy, of
self-esteem, of ability to love, and of creativity. Not only may I feel bad, I
may even come to feel bad for feeling bad! Thus guilt and shame are added to
compound the difficulty.
Thus are the so called "negative emotions"
born. Why did they come to be called "negative"? Negative means minus,
subtraction. What is being subtracted? Energy. The common feature of all the
negative emotions like resentment, envy, jealousy, anxiety, obsessional
rumination, remorse, regret, excessive grief, depression, guilt, false guilt or
shame, is a drop in the energy available for creative living.
The Healing Journey Diagram
The unpleasantness of this can for some people
at certain times in their lives reach the level where life may begin to seem to
no longer be worth living, and a death or illness wish may begin to form in
them. They may be conscious of this, leading to suicidal ideation. Awareness of
it may come and go. Or they may not be conscious of it at all, and various forms
of self-destructive or self-diminishing behaviors begin to emerge, leading to
various forms of un-wellness. This can be in the physical, emotional, mental
realms, on in relationship, at work, in the courts, in the accident statistics,
in society, etc. The scene is set, the ground is prepared, for a "symptom" to
emerge, a "wake-up call". If no action is taken, this may go on to present
itself as dis-ease in any of those areas and/or premature death of the
individual.
Not since sending people to beautiful
sanitaria in the mountains with quiet, with fine clear air and good nutrition to
assist the cure of tuberculosis has modern western medicine tried to come to
grips with the idea that people may need to be "recharged" with energy as an
essential part of their healing process. A modern western hospital or doctor's
waiting room does little to raise your energy levels. Traditional Chinese
medicine, and certain other healing traditions do address this. It is my belief
that a lift in life energy is needed, even vital, to make the difference, and
turn the corner from the self-destructive to the healing path. This may come
from an experience of beauty or goodness, from nature or from an unconditionally
loving person. Or it may come in the form of a last wave of desperation from
within. Once the decision to get well, to do whatever it takes, has been taken,
the person has taken a big step forward in their healing journey. The inner
conflict (one part of me wants to get well, but another part wants to be sick or
even die) is ended, the self is no longer divided.
In the context of using the forgiveness
process, the person has now become willing to learn it and practice it. (There
may well be other things they need to include in their healing program,
forgiveness is not an alternative to medical treatments of various kinds, it is
to be used in parallel with them). They feel an immediate lift in their life
energy. They are now willing to take more responsibility for their own healing
processes, to participate in them. They become willing to do the forgiveness
processes for all the people they have been offended by in their lives, all the
people who have hurt, misused or betrayed them. They thus come to do all they
can to heal the harmful effects of the physiological patterns of resentment,
grudge, envy, hate, fear, grief, guilt, shame, etc. By linking their lower
consciousness with their higher consciousness, they become more whole. This is
an aspect of psychosynthesis - the soul, or higher Self, uniting all the parts.
This is integrative medicine.
We all go through this healing cycle many
times in our lives. It is inevitable that we may be disappointed by others' or
by our own behavior at times. The forgiveness process offers a method of doing
"emotional and mental housecleaning", of cleaning up the residues left by this.
At first this may mean cleaning our emotional and mental household of the
residue of many years of neglected accumulations of distress. It may seem like a
big task to some, at the outset. However it can usually be done within a few
months. Looking back once it has been done, it does not seem to large as it did
at the outset. The amount of time required is probably less than one thirty
thousandth part of your life time. Most of us will spend more time drinking tea
or coffee than that, certainly more time sleeping! Just for a while, you will
need to give it some priority. Most of us will spend more money on maintaining
our motor vehicles that on maintaining our most precious possession - our sacred
consciousness, our "hearts". It is always important to review how we have
rank-ordered our values, and pain, tension, and disease are alerting signals
when it is time to do that.
Later, it is just maintenance on a regular
basis, becoming almost second nature. The skills, once learned, become as
habitual as was the previous habit of storing resentments in the body or having
them explode into your life as illness or as disharmony in relationships.
The skill of forgiveness needs to become as
ORDINARY as brushing teeth or washing up dishes. NOT any kind of big deal. For
everybody, not just in therapy situations. In schools. In families. In
Parliaments. Between races and nations.
This is very important, because for some
people the word has been damaged by exposure to religious abuse or double
standards in the past. Here are Ten False ideas about the Forgiveness Process
often used as reasons for not doing it, and some corresponding truths.
1. Untruth:
Forgiveness somehow "allows" the person forgiven to continue their harmful
actions, or condones what they did. Therefore I cannot forgive.
Truth: You can apply
the forgiveness process (i.e. cancel your demands that another person meet your
demands and expectations as a condition for allowing love to flow through) - and
also take remedial action to stop or prevent harm, or to confront injustices.
Forgiveness, assertiveness, and caring confrontation are very compatible. It is
loving to the other person to do whatever is necessary to prevent them
continuing upon a destructive path. As a forgiving person you can see that
beneath the other person's attacking or destructive behavior is really a cry for
love.
2. Untruth: To
forgive may make me a "doormat" or "victim", and means I lose being "right". The
other person must be shown to be "wrong", punished, and change their ways before
I can forgive. Therefore I cannot forgive.
Truth: Doing the
forgiveness process has nothing to do with "door-matting" or being a "victim",
which is usually done from an unforgiving stance. Doing the forgiveness process
helps one to stop being a "doormat". It restores self-determination.
3. Untruth: To be
forgiving is a sign of weakness. I do not want to be seen as weak. I must be
hard to be strong. Therefore I cannot forgive.
Truth: To use the
forgiveness process is an act of will (mental and spiritual). To be unforgiving
is to be "willed by" emotions and feelings, and to not really be in charge of
your direction in life. Using your higher will strengthens you and your will.
Using the forgiveness process makes you stronger. This can be tested.
Genuine unconditional love is and act of will,
not a feeling or emotional reaction.
Anger and hostility may make you feel
"stronger" or "righteously indignant", but your body or relationships become the
victims unless the anger is expressed in a safe way. Being "right" does not
means that you must prove the other person "wrong", or make them admit that they
were at fault, before you let love flow. Unconditional Love, by definition, does
not require prior approval of the other's actions (or of one's own).
|
“It is an illusion that love
means the absence of conflict.
Love is a constant challenge,
not a resting place.
It moves and grows, in harmony
or in conflict ".
Eric Fromm |
4. Untruth: If I
forgive I am supposed to forget. I cannot forget the harm done, therefore I
cannot forgive.
Truth: You learn
from experience, and your memory enables you to do this. Memory is a precious
part of your mind. It is wise to remember the lessons learned, and not put
temptation in the way of those who do not yet have the capacity to practice
right relationship. However, safeguarding need not prevent you from doing the
forgiveness process, which is a separate class of behavior. It is found that
people who use the forgiveness process become able to access more of their
joyful memories, however. They do not need to use the repressive mechanism any
longer to repress their pain, and they can recall their good times more easily.
5. Untruth: Doing
the Forgiveness Process sometimes brings up painful memories. Surely that means
I should not be doing this work. Is it wise to "dredge up" memories like that
from my unconscious. Isn't it better to leave it? I cannot forgive because it
brings up painful memories I would rather not look at.
Truth: Forgiveness
is a healing of memories. Painful memories stored in your unconscious, even from
long ago in the past, control you in the present. You are often unaware of just
how much they do that. You have to become aware of them if you are to heal them,
so you can be truly free. The pain you feel on recalling a painful memory is a
signal that you need to use the forgiveness process, not a reason for holding
back. Pus in an abscess needs to be drained quickly, and not allowed to fester,
scar, or spread. The sooner you do the forgiveness process, the less harm will
occur to yourself and your relationships.
6. Untruth:
Forgiveness is making everything too "nice" (the word is used in a derogatory
sense) and is too sickly. We can't have all this "sweetness and light stuff".
Truth: Forgiveness
has nothing to do with this kind of insincere "niceness" - it is an energy
dynamic for healing yourself.
7. Untruth: There
are some people who are so evil that they can never be forgiven. Some atrocities
are "unforgivable". Therefore the whole idea of unconditional love is idealistic
rubbish and a waste of time.
Truth: Some actions
are indeed very evil and wicked, and do a great deal of harm - true. Society
needs to be protected - true. Part of this process may include the capture and
fair legal trial of, and inflicting punishment or isolation on, wrongdoers -
true. Some people are what is called "evil" because they do not experience any
kind of conscience, and so they cannot self-correct their errors. Imagine what
it would be like if you were like that yourself, how devastating you would find
the effect of that on your life.
Some people cannot learn from experience as
well as you or I - for example, children of severely alcoholic or drug-dependent
mothers, born with the so-called "fetal alcohol syndrome". Maternal
malnutrition, childhood emotional deprivation, other kinds of genetic or
acquired mental disability may also damage a person's capacity to make wise
choices. We must remain aware of the effects of certain industrial, household
chemicals and drugs upon human behavior also. Many people who take drugs are
using them to repress their pain - of having being sexually abused, for example.
Remembering these possibilities enables you to be more compassionate to those
who do terrible things at the same time as protecting society from their
actions. We could all look deeper before condemning them as unforgivable.
To hold back on your love-flow and to continue
to hate the wrongdoers has a number of effects that are harmful to your own
self, and which therefore act as a kind of punishment to you , for what the
other person did. This can harm your body and contribute to disease. It limits
your own freedom of choice inside yourself. It can poison your emotions,
limiting your capacity to express goodwill. It can cause you to harbor harmful
thoughts and beliefs, and limit your positive creativity. It can damage your
relationships if you project and generalize your bitterness; and can lead to
national, racial, and religious prejudice and war. These effects can be
cumulative. With respect to the so-called "enemies of society", society itself
suffers when prisoners do not grow and mature into responsible citizens during
the time spent in prison, and are released back into a prejudiced world with
their bitterness still unhealed. Remaining unforgiving also holds back and
limits your own growth as a spiritual being . The forgiveness process is an act
of will which you consciously choose to undertake to heal yourself and your own
memories. An enlightened response to any imperfections you discover in your
world is to act to heal them, rather than criticize.
Doing the forgiveness process is not a
repression or forgetting of harm done. It is a decision to heal oneself and no
longer be controlled or diminished by the memory of it. It is neutralizing the
hostility and grudge we built up in reaction to the harm.
|
"Until
you learn to forgive,
the ‘unforgivable’ will tend to
keep happening to you.
What you have not learned to
forgive,
is a either part of you now, or
becomes a part of you".
attributed to Carolyn Myss |
8. Untruth: Forgiving will not make the
other person change their behavior, therefore it is waste of time. I want them
to change and apologize before I forgive them.
Truth: Not doing the
forgiveness process does not control the behavior of the other person as much as
you would like to believe, if at all. It damages your own well-being however. In
fact, doing the forgiveness process often frees the other to behave in a more
acceptable way. Unconditional love is, by definition, unconditional!
9. Untruth: It is
unfair that I should "have to" forgive the other.
Truth: It is fair to
ourselves to practice forgiveness. You must remain aware that feelings of
"righteousness" and un-forgivingness, even hatred, can coexist in you, can cause
much harm, and are very different from the practice of right relationship, the
active work of expression of goodwill, the holding of a loving attitude, and the
fostering of the best qualities latent in the offending one and yourself. You do
not "have to" do the forgiveness process - it is entirely your choice whether to
proceed at each step. You do it only because you want to learn how to take
charge of your life and to love, independently of the behavior of other people.
10. Untruth:
Forgiveness requires telling the other person that you have forgiven them.
Truth: The
forgiveness process is something that happens inside you. You do not tell them
you have forgiven them, which may even make them feel badly, unless they have
specifically asked you for your "forgiveness". It also depends upon what they
and you mean by "forgiveness". They may want your pardon. Pardoning is letting a
person off their punishment. They may want your love. Forgiveness is letting the
love flow again. But pardoning can happen without forgiveness and the
restoration of love. It may even not be in their best interest unless they are
determined to follow a wiser path. Conversely, a person can be punished and yet
know that they are still loved, by their firm parent, for example. Forgiveness
and pardoning are quite separate behaviors. You need to be very clear about
this.
Only you can decide what is appropriate in
reestablishing communication and right relationship with the other person. The
forgiveness process is canceling the conditions in your own mind that are
blocking the flow of love, joy, and life energy. If you decide to reach out to
the other person, your having done the forgiveness process first will make your
chances of restoring harmony far greater.
|
Our
greatest
security lies
in the study and
persistent application
of the laws of love and
goodwill. Love and joy will be
the preoccupation in the near future of the
psychologists, teachers, health professionals, politicians,
administrators, financiers, economists and of all those engaged in
military activity. |
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